Recently I felt it again. This funny ache in my heart. Not as in some sort of health condition. But this pang of emotion and hurt that I have had a hard time putting my finger on.

I can’t decide if it’s longing, or regret, or grief, or maybe even jealousy…

It comes up at odd times – times when it shouldn’t ache, times when I should be happy or excited.

I feel this funny ache most often when I hear about a couple getting engaged, or when I see photos of a beautiful new bride.  It’s especially strong when I see a couple being lavished on by their families and friends during that engagement period, and in the days surrounding the wedding ceremony itself.

That heartache is especially strange because my own engagement was pretty special – my Sweetie was spectacularly romantic, taking me up to a scenic lookout on a gondola ride in the winter, kneeling in the snow on the boardwalk to propose.  And our wedding was beautiful as well, carefully planned by my then-fiance and I, and very meaningful to us.

So, what’s with the ache?

13+ happy years ago - Our Wedding Day - my favorite photo

I think it has something to do with feeling less and less like those beautiful young couples, with all their hopes and dreams before them. I think maybe it is a bit of longing to be back at that place in life again. Life was simpler and more beautiful in some ways then, and I certainly felt like a princess on my wedding day (for the most part). I long to be that young and beautiful bride, full of excitement and expectation, the center of the universe for her groom, and a focus of the celebration for all in attendance.

I think it has something to do with knowing that we made choices about who was to be involved in things with us based on the wrong assumptions and expectations.  I think maybe it is a bit of regret for not drawing some of our best friends (at the time) into the celebrations with us because of family guest lists and plans made way too far in advance.  I regret not inviting my co-workers and classmates, those who REALLY lived and worked with me, to also be there to celebrate with me, and to make the celebration that much more grand with their presence.

I think it has something to do with recalling some of the unnecessary drama that occurred during the time of my engagement, and in the days leading up to my wedding. I think maybe it is a bit of grief for the loss (or lack) of the total joy I had hoped for on becoming engaged and getting married, that was lessened somehow by the financial strains of paying for the wedding myself as a college student and the lack of support and cooperation from my family. I grieve the fact that we felt the need to be fairly serious about some things, to keep the family dynamics (mostly of my family) from running the show, and that some of the fun of what should have been the happiest day of my life was diminished in order to feel ‘safe’.

I think it has something to do with seeing how much these young couples’ families love and support them, from BOTH sides, and how special they are made to feel during this time.  I think maybe it is a bit of jealousy over that lavish treatment, jealousy over the spectacular things that happen for couples when everyone is on their side, even jealousy over the excitement and expectancy that their families have for the couple’s new life together.  I’m envious of such outpouring of love and support when it often felt like during the preparations for my wedding that I was constantly the brunt of my family’s attitudes and barely scraping things together. Not to mention all the ‘little’ things my sweetie and I were able to do: special and fun engagement photo sessions, shopping expeditions with the girls in the wedding party, and a little bit of extravagance (because they’re worth it!).

I MUST say at this point that my Sweetie’s family was very helpful and did their best to lavish us with love and care – bless them! And certain members of my family were very supportive, while others were… well, not very supportive. We had our very best friends with us in our wedding party, for the most part, and they were great!

RANT ON: We also had nearly half of our RSVP’d guests NOT come to our reception because another family in the church planned a reception for their son on the same day as ours. Our ceremony was on the books for nearly 2 years, and heavily advertised at the church (my husband was under the care of the session as he was preparing to enter into theological school).  But the other family simply had to have their event on the same day as our wedding. The son had been married out-of-town, so the family was holding a big reception for their local family and friends. They planned it about a week after my wedding invitations went out. RSVPs were already coming in for the wedding when people received the invite to the other reception.  Since people were able to attend our ceremony in person, they felt the need to attend the other reception, but most didn’t bother to let us know about that. If we’d known that half of our guest list wasn’t going to be there, we’d have invited all of our fellow co-workers and friends. Our reception wasn’t even filled with the usual awkwardly connected friends of the family and distant relations because all the friends of the family left after the wedding to attend the other reception. I know our most current classmates and staff members would have been a lot more lively and fun than the non-attending RSVP’ers.

That really WAS disappointing for me, because I felt like I’d been ‘dumped’ by many of those people, and would have loved to have shared the joy with OTHER people if I’d known that there was going to be space for them. But paying for things on my own, I didn’t have the budget to invite everyone… If we had been informed of the change in people’s plans, we could have included more people.  As it was, do you know how many meatballs (and other foods) from the dinner buffet and how much of my 4-tier wedding cake we had left over!? We froze them and ate off of them at least once a week for a couple of months! I’d have much rather shared that food with good friends who wanted to attend than to have planned to share them with people who were obliged to attend and then didn’t… OK, RANT OFF!

I don’t want to feel this ache in my heart while going through pre-marital mentoring sessions with a young newly engaged couple. I don’t want to feel any hurt when I click through the Facebook album of my young friend’s recent wedding.  I want to be pleased for them, encouraged for them, excited for them – and I actually DO feel all those things for them. But underneath it all, I think I ache for ‘what could have been’ in my own engagement and wedding.

I thought that having a fantastic vow renewal ceremony for our 10th wedding anniversary would maybe take that ache away. It was a beautiful ceremony, but with LOTS of other crappy stuff going on around it, so even it comes with a bit of an ache for ‘what could have been’, for ‘what should have been’ but was messed with by the cares and problems of this world.

Why does my heart ache? I’m not really sure.  I’m not ungrateful, I’m not being nit-picky, I’m not trying to be melodramatic. It just is what it is.

I think that this little ‘ouch’ I sometimes feel could really get me down, but I usually try to use that pang as a reminder of what a fantastic husband I have, and how good my life is with him. In the end, that’s what SHOULD really matter. I’m not that same young bride, and I never was in the same position with family support that I see for many of these young brides now, so where I am now is a whole ‘nother world, and what happened for me would obviously have been different than what happens for them.  I know a few of them well enough to know that it’s not all fairy tales and romance for them either… let’s be realistic! But I do see joy and love and laughter for them in ways that I just didn’t experience – and that’s where the ‘ouch’ comes in…

Am I alone in this feeling? Is it just me who senses a pang of ‘something’? Am I the only one who has this ache in my heart?