This last week I spent a lot of time putting together my story to share with some of the women at our church. I attend a very awesome Ladies’ Bible Study group on Wednesday mornings, and the tradition is that on the last meeting of the school year that 2 ladies share their testimonies (stories of their faith journeys) and every brings great food to share for a beautiful brunch. I was asked to share my story for this season’s brunch.

I am no stranger to talking in front of groups, or to sharing openly about where things are in my life and walk of faith. But I found the preparation for this time more difficult. One of the things about sharing your story is that you have to be vulnerable to share it, and it’s always a risk to open up your heart to others. In my prep time, I realized how little these new people know me, since we’ve only been in this place for almost a year and a half, and I’ve had no opportunity to share my full faith journey up to now. The general details were shared when I came into membership at our church, but they were VERY general! So, wanting to share what God has done in my life, where I’ve been and where I am now, I needed to share MORE details, and I really wasn’t sure what parts to share and how ‘safe’ I wanted to be.

I was up quite late preparing the last bit of notes on Tuesday night, not quite agonizing about what I was writing, but I did a lot of writing and rewriting and erasing and rewriting some more…

A huge part of my story is based on the weirdness of being the daughter of a narcissistic mother. (I shared a bit about this before, and This Explains Some of the Weirdness that I experienced growing up.) As I wrote some of the details about my childhood, for the first time since I discovered that there’s a name for what I grew up with, it was saddening at times and maddening at times and in the end I think it was healing.

Part of the healing comes as I realize that the picture I have of God is shaped by my perception of my parents.  I realize that for a long time, I thought I could never be good enough for God, because I could never be good enough for my mom.  My very best, which has been pretty good by most standards, never has been good enough for her.  Years of my best efforts being discounted had me in a place where I believed that if what I did wasn’t good enough, then surely I wasn’t good enough in my heart, in my person.  For a while, there was a deep feeling that I was dismally unsufficient at the very core of my being, and it’s something I still struggle with from time to time. Thankfully, God has met me where I’m at, and a few times even made it quite clear that he finds me worthy, not because of what I do, or whether it’s good enough, but because of who I am in Christ. And preparing to share my story was a reminder of that again!

Part of the healing comes, too, as I interacted with other women after sharing my story.  Two women in particular, who I know relatively well, found a bit of comfort from knowing that they aren’t alone in dealing with the same things from their mothers (for 1 it’s a mother-in-law).  The healing comes from realizing that the Lord doesn’t waste our pain, but can use it to minister to others.

Will I ever be good enough for my mom?  Probably not.  I’m going to start reading a book entitled just that – “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” – here very soon.  I have heard from others that it’s both hard to read and yet very good to read.  I’m looking forward to it, and I’m not – you know?  I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going!

I’m so glad I got to share my story, and that once again I am reminded of all the things the Lord has done for me.  His Grace is amazing!  I can’t imagine where I’d be today if I had to go on believing that I’ll never be good enough.

Thankfully, I don’t have to measure up to some arbitrary, always changing standard when it comes to God.  Jesus has intervened on my behalf, and in Him, I am good enough!